Confessions: Semi-sucking at something you love?

So guys, sometimes I just feel like I really suck at the things I love to do..

I actually wanted to write “failing” but I thought that would be a bit too mean of a thing to say and it isn´t actually fully true either. I don’t entirely suck at writing but sometimes I get SO annoyed when I catch myself making mistakes that are just really sloppy!

One big problem being that, I keep seeing what I mean to write in my head, while actually typing a different word. Take for example, writing the word “inherent” when I mean to write “inherit”. In my head I saw and read “inherit” but that is not what I wrote, even after I proofread it several times. Most times, I know how to write and spell words, my eyes and brain just don´t always see what I intend to write, if that makes sense? In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if there were a few hidden words here that where not exactly what I meant. I often catch myself being more than annoyed about this, especially when I write and share something really dear to me,.. it makes me feel like I shouldn’t write unless I can make sure all the words are exactly as they should be. It also makes me feel like my words will not be taken serious, my work will not be taken seriously..

The thing is, I love writing so much, and now more than before, but it is also in writing that I meet many of my life struggles: The struggles between being a child raised with many tongues but not able to completely master one. The struggles between my perfectionism and impatience- wanting both to do things well, yet immediately. The battle between self-knowledge and self-doubt, between pure and honest creation and societal expectation about that creation. It´s also like how when I draw and my symmetry is always off, from eyebrows to the lips not being exactly in center… yet I know that if I focus too much on achieving perfection, it will most certainly kill my passion for expressing myself freely through these art forms. Dilemma.

Sucking at what you love to do, technically or grammatically wise, can really feel like a blow to your creative spirit. I have luckily come to understand that most creators often struggle with their creations too, it’s perhaps all part of the drive to create. Even through the doubt, the sucking, the failing. Perhaps it also becomes part of the cheerleading force behind ones creativity, the need to create beyond our flaws. The need for our humanity to leave its signature on everything we do, even if we aim to disguise it through “absolute perfection”. The bittersweet and irony of what actually makes creation worth it all; perfect imperfections.

To create or do something we love, is just another form of practice, like yoga, and evolving, like maturity. Perhaps the suckiness feels more real because I have viewed my practice as a product, something I can deem worthiness over, something I want to view as finished and complete. When really, I should start seeing it as a practice, as an education, where life and time are my only teachers and experience and growth, little or big, is the only desired outcome… Yes, that could work.

Mmm.., do you know how sometimes just talking about a problem helps your brain and soul figure out a solution or remedy for it? Amazing too in a way, how that annoyance also actually helped me finally break the silence streak on my blog?

Anyway, I hope if you came here with the same problem, that you also feel a little better now and have gotten a different perspective on sucking. Or at least the fact that you are not alone in your struggle 😉

From one soul to another, don´t be a stranger

M.